i need you... [entries|friends|calendar] Watching all the ground beneath me drop... [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

ya man... [13 Jun 2005|11:53pm] [ mood | fucking awesome ] [ music | jimi hendrix ] complete (fucking) synchronocity. musical, psychological, personal, and existential synch. let the world know. we're starting a revolution, to let everyone in on this little secret euphoria that we have found. ambient is the world of the day. X

and in that moment, i swear we were infinite... [20 May 2005|01:36pm] this afternoon i decided to go for a walk up to hidden valley, just for old time's sake, seeing as i'll be leaving this house in a month or so. the most amazing thing (to me and the one other person that will appreciate this story just as much - you know who you are) happened. maybe amazing isn't the right word, but whatever. so i put on my headphones with my ipod on shuffle, and headed out. here's the list of songs that came on, completely randomly, as i was walking through the woods... oasis - champagne supernova nirvana - dumb (unplugged) pearl jam - nothingman creed - say i it was just a bit eerie that those are the songs that happened to come on while i was out there. it'd be too hard for me to explain, but i just felt i needed to write this down, not to share it with anyone, because it's basically for myself, but because it needed to be written down somewhere that it will stay. 1 | X

There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubts... [02 May 2005|12:02am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | damien rice ] I havn't written much in here lately. I've just seen and felt some things recently that have made me realize all the petty thoughts and problems  have which I would normally post about aren't so important in the great scheme of things. I guess things make more sense now, or maybe they make no sense at all. Either way, I've felt this great sense of freedom, through letting go of everything, that can't be acheived through many other means. I remember you once told me how you thought that the connectivity and sense you experience when on a good trip is the closest thing to experiencing the enlightenment attained right before death as you can get without actually dying. I get so lost in my thoughts sometimes that things actually start to seem real. X

[02 Apr 2005|01:58pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | taking back sunday ] I'm listening to taking back sunday on a rainy april saturday. i have no idea where my roommate is, but it's better that way. this morning i woke up to 4 voicemails from drunk richie, chris, and john telling me they wanted to join in on the sex i was apparently having last night. riiiiiight. I went to see minus the bear and q and not u last night. i saw minus the bear but i was really uncomfortable and felt kind of sick so i just walked back to my dorm near the end of minus the bear's set without telling anyone that i was leaving. eh. shit happens. minus the bear was really good though. so i came back and passed out at like 11:30. ha. CRAZY NIGHT HUH. sometimes, i miss you so much it fucking hurts. i know i constantly say this over and over again but this is the only place i have to express these feelings since no one wants to hear it anymore. after i came back last night i saw you had changed your facebook photo and it looked like the old you. natural. not all superficial and plastic like you have become over the past 2 years. being illogical and high (i am not proud of that fact) i put it as my backround image on my desktop so i could get a better, bigger look at it. now i can't get it to go away. everytime i close this fucking internet window there you are staring back at me. blah. i had a really strange dream about rachel last night. i won't get into the details of it, but it really kind of bothered me. i really really like this girl. i just feel so comfortable when i'm around her. the past 2 days we spent a lot of time together, before she went home for the weekend. she has a thing for calling me early in hte mroning while im still sleeping. i don't think she sleeps past like 8 am, ever. i really want something to happen but i think something is holding me back. with the summer coming up, which means i won't get to see her half as much as i see her now, and all her talk about how she needs to get out of here scare me into thinking she won't come back after the summer. i really want something to happen but i'm so afraid of getting my heartbroken again. i don't know. maybe i should just go for it and stop thinking about the future so much. there are 5 weeks left in the semester, why not just live for this short amount of time? last time i said that it was before katie moved and i just couldn't let go of it after that short amount of time. i'm so hopeless, i don't even know what to do with myself. i want rachel to come back to school now so i can just spill my guts to her. i don't know how much longer i can hold it in. i'm so confused. regardless if my pictures still line your mirror, i'll still wait for your call X

i've been "guessing" too much lately [28 Mar 2005|02:55pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | soulive ] It's hard to be mad at the rain mainly because, well, it's not snow. I'd take this over a beautiful snowy day in a heartbeat now. friday steph, rob, and i sat around, listened to relaxing music, and drank wine. we are totally book club nerds. i love it. saturday i went to hooter's with julia and sandra. it was totally their idea, not mine. i swear. then when we got home we found out that some fucker smashed in julia's tail light. the ironic part was she wanted to leave her car in my driveway so nothing would happen to it, and it still got broken. i am entirely done with the human race. minus a select few. sunday we went and saw family, then my parents decided to show me a few houses they are looking at. i still don't know what to feel or how to react to this whole moving thing. i guess we'll see. sorry if i'm been acting very, uh, dispondant lately and not telling people things. i'm just trying to figure some things out on my own. i'll be back soon enough, i hope. oh, and rachel. i was sitting in class today, clearly not paying attention, and thinking about things. i realized something. i think part of the reason i like her so much is because she lets me be me. with other people i always find myself trying to fit into some mold that i think they would accept better. with her she takes me for who i am and doesn't judge me. it's like an understanding i'm not used to finding until spending years getting to know somebody. i just trust her, i guess, and find this honesty not found in many people that i am extremely drawn towards. i hope something happens with us, i really do. i guess i'll settle for the great friendship that we've already been building if i have to. things always seem to work out that way, anyway. alright, well, yeah. that's it. i guess. 2 | X

Think what you will. [24 Mar 2005|12:38am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Damien Rice - Volcano ] What's just one more time? Right? These past two weeks have been fucking near fatal. Nothing seems right or wrong, it's all just kind of blurred into hazy days lost at mind. Stress builds up, backed up in your arteries just begging for a way to get out, until something so simple as seeing you smile opens everything back up into free-flowing blood and serenity. I don't need anything, it's not about that at all. There are just certain things that make the end of the day easier when your head hits the cold side of the pillow. Nothing describes this mood like Damien Rice. Good old fuckin' chap. Just let me be. I'm alright. I swear. I think. I promise. Just let it be. X

[14 Mar 2005|06:32pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | alexisonfire ] wow, it's only monday. someone shoot me now. i need something but i'm not exactly sure what it is i need. i'm just sitting here waiting for it, or something. im going to go eat my orange now. or go outside and sit on the stairs for awhile. who fuckin' knows. 2 | X

eirnhgoerwhjerijhieorjheajrih what else is new? [09 Mar 2005|08:18pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | the shins ] I have a sad, sad story to tell everyone. Today I had a job interview with the town park and rec summer camp, so i figured it would be hue (sp?) of me to remove my lip ring for the appointment in order to present myself a little better. Now, I did not think this would happen in a short span of 20 minutes, but the hole closed up during the interview. I tried my best, but it was to no avail. I am now left with the half of a hole that didn't close in my face, and no ring in it. Wonderful. Now I have to get it redone. Pity. Okay, so it wasn't that sad of a story, more a disappointment, but I figured by calling it sad I could push some of the other depressing shit that has gone on this week (there has been much more since my last post, I just really don't feel like talking about it) to the back of my mind. I need to get back to school. I've got fucking cabin fever. And a bad case of it. 2 | X

it's back! thanks to rob. [08 Mar 2005|01:51pm] 01; reply with your name and i will write something about you 02; i will then tell you what song and/or band reminds me of you 03; next, i will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise 04; last, iI will name a single word that best describes you 05; put this in your journal 11 | X

[07 Mar 2005|06:03pm] [ mood | morose ] [ music | pink floyd ] All the things that I at one time used to define myself and who I was seem so petty and ancient now. Everything I used to live for seems so useless. I've found myself at a point where I've realized I need to grow up and move on past these things. So many things these past few days have made me realize how much I actually have changed since being at school, and how much things have changed around here in my absence. This town just isn't mine anymore. All it is now is an assortment of fake smiles and memories. How could the things that I used to think were so important be so fucking mundane now? I guess it's time to move on and accept this new person that I'm slowly becoming, and do what I can with it. I guess it's all I have left to do. Friday I went to Central with Matt to visit Justin, and I just realized how much different we all have become. I'm not interested in the same things as them anymore, we just aren't the same group of tight friends that we once were. Granted, I still had fun, but it just wasn't the same as it used to be. Saturday I went to Empress. Seeing all these kids around me that I don't recognize when it used to be our place really messed with my head.  We used to go there and know everyone and have a good time and be five of like, 25 people at the shows.  Now I get to the show, find out it's sold out, and wait for people to leave so I can get in, only to find once I'm inside that the fourteen year old kid that I used to be when I first started going there isn't there anymore.  There's this whole new group of kids, I'm just the kid coming back from college to have some blast from the fucking past.  I mean, it was great seeing these young kids with so much passion singing along to every word, just sad that I'm not that kid anymore.  Sunday I went out by myself and just reflected on all this.  At the gas station I saw Ben Jacobsen and we talked for awhile.  Really making me realize that this isn't my town anymore; this isn't the place for me.  It's time for these new kids to take over, and it looks like they already have.  God bless them.  Now, if you havn't had enough, there's more.  Today I went to look for a job (to no avail of course) and who do I see while walking other than the one and only Ron Sudol.  He proceeds to tell me that he is homeless, shuffling between crackhouses, homeless shelters, and the back of a pickup truck in the Empress parking lot when it's warm outside.  The stories he had for me just fucking broke my heart.  I don't think I have ever been more devastated as I was today talking to him.  The worst part is that it wasn't even his fault.  I mean, he fucked up on his own, but the court won't let him live at home anymore and won't provide him with any sort of alternate shelter or low-income housing.  So he was forced to live on the streets of Danbury.  He told me he was going down to the city today to live there and find something for himself.  I gave him a few dollars so he had enough for his bus ticket and we parted.  I also gave him my number and told him to call if he ever needed anything.  Fucking life smacks you in the face when you least expect it or need it.  I'm so ready to go back to school.  Maybe what I need is there, because it most definitely isn't in this place anymore.  At least I'm coming to some sort of closure, maybe things will be easier in the future.  I guess time will only tell.  There's so much more I have running around in my mind right now, but I can't find the words to get it all out.  Hopefully it comes to me soon.  It needs to get the fuck out fast.  When I was young I knew everything... 4 | X

[03 Mar 2005|01:54pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Radiohead - Street Spirit [Fade out] ] I'm on a Radiohead binge. I've been overodosing on such good music lately. Goes with my mood, I guess. I'm still a nervous wreck most of the time but I feel like I'm beginning to find my niche. Last night Rachel invited me to hang out with her friends and we just sat around talking about music and stuff. I havn't done that in so long. Good kids. I feel more alive than I have lately. I don't really have much more to say. Being home on Saturday is going to be such a good feeling. I can't wait. Hopefully things work out when I get back to school with her, I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. Let's not worry about the future so much though. Let's just be. I'm doing my best. That's all. I think. X

I'm updating AGAIN [01 Mar 2005|12:25pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | saves the day ] I have a cruuuuuuuuuuuuuush. Finally. Yesterday was such a good day. It feels good to actually feel things again. I've been so numb for so long, but yesterday things were different. I finally find myself having feelings for someone, as small as they may be at this point. It's a big step for me. Then I went out with Richie, John, and Chris last night to find food in the snowstorm. Had a few drinks, had some food, good times. I slept through class this morning though :-/. Maybe I shouldn't have gone out last night. Uhhhh just kidding. It was worth it. Now I'm hungry. I want foooooooooood. So I'm gonna go. 2 | X

You tell them, "That's just my battle scar..." [28 Feb 2005|09:52pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | third eye blind - wounded ] Amanda came to Uconn this weekend. God it was good to see her. Part of me wonders why I'm not still madly in love with that girl, and I'm kind of surprised also. Whatever, it's better off this way. I hadn't hung out or really talked to her in a really long time. It was a good old NF reunion. Friday, I might be going to Central?? We'll see. SATURDAY I CAN'T WAIT FOR SATURDAY. I'm finally going to be "home" at empress. I havn't been there in so long. I can't fucking wait. Things are looking up lately...I guess it was about time. I'm still filled with anxiety every second of the day, but I guess I feel better about things. I'm not so alone anymore. Or at least it doesn't feel that way. Lets not get our hopes up. We don't wanna get crushed here. 3 | X

[14 Feb 2005|01:50am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | radiohead ] i dont know what im trying to accomplish or prove to myself by staying up all night, seeing as i'm geting absolutely no work done. i am currently exploring the depths of radiohead's KidA. i don't think i've inhaled a breath of fresh air in days. i'm trying so hard not to be cliche in this story i have to write for creative writing, but it seems as though everything in our world has already been deemed with the label and there's nothing i can do to avoid it. someone needs to do something about this. i'm trying to hard to be that someone. maybe i should just stop trying to be someone and just be myself. let myself go. i need to let myself go. let the wind take me where i should be, or something like that. who knows. i guess we'll see. 3 | X

[04 Feb 2005|02:09pm] [ music | Deftones ] Life has seemed to take a peculiarly uplifting turn of events recently. Wednesday I went to an open house for the media organizations on campus, and on Monday I'm going to a meeting for the Daily Campus to get a start with them. I can't tell how you excited that makes me feel. Then yesterday I "tried out" for a band. Me and this kid Vinnie who plays drums jammed for awhile and he asked me if I wanted to join his band because they need another guitarist. Amazing. Music makes my soul feel complete. And we are starting out with a cover of Underoath's "Reinventing Your Exit," just the kind of music I've wanted to play with my band back home for so long. Maybe this is a foreshadowing to my empty soul beginning to fill up? I can fill a drip, drip, drip of something beginning to patter against the hollow bottom of my insides. Break open the flood gates. Life is good, ironically. Surprisingly. I guess there's more to life than being alone. In about 2 hours I'm heading up to Central with Rob for the night. I get to see Justin and Steph and hang out with Rob's theatre friends. It is sure to be a good time. Hopefully I can get a haircut tomorrow, my head is becoming a bit of a mess (no double meaning intended, anymore that is). X

My mind is slowly slipping, please just let it go. [02 Feb 2005|12:02am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | unwritten law ] I'm sitting here, knowing all too well that I should be sleeping, listening to this horrendus new Unwritten Law album and trying to capsulize a feeling that I felt when their last album came out about three years ago. It was right about the time that Katie moved, when I was head over heels "in love," and listening to that album always brings me back to that time when I thought I knew everything. It was so much easier being naive. I am miserably failing at trying to bring back that feeling that I used to be so damn good at capturing, and all I have is this horrible noise coming through my headphones confirming even more my doubts about life. Who needs all this shit anyway. I live in the past; I know this. DANCE, TAKE A CHANCE WITH ME, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS WITH ME, DANCE WITH ME, DANCE WITH ME. Please tell me what significant value, if any at all, these lyrics have. It's like tearing out any sense of decency I once had and scattering it all over the floor. Don't forget to stomp on it a few times. You wouldn't want to leave any of the pieces at all recognizable, for I might try to put them back together. Oh geez. I just can't get enough of myself. I'm going to go look in the mirror and put off sleep by any possible means. God couldn't explain how he felt this well. I'm being sarcastic. I swear. I'm so fucking cynical. hahahhahhahahaha. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE - Unwritten Law. Love. Fun. Fuck. By the way, the lovely Julia made me this lovely new backround/layout. And she made my emoticons robot heads. Because she just fucking rocks like that. <3. 1 | X

[30 Jan 2005|05:11pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Nine Inch Nails ] After an afternoon of surprisingly uplifting nostalgia, I'm left here waiting for dinner in a bout of loneliness with a dash of fright for the future once again. I want to start an indie zine on campus. I'm just not too sure of how to go about it. I guess I could just get people to write and produce them manually for distribution? Of course they would be free. Hmm. I should look into this more. I also want to get involved with the Daily Campus, to go along with my recent surge of interest in Journalism and my thoughts of studying it. We'll see how all this goes. I'm going to go dinner, since my life seems to revolve around eating these two delightfully puke-worthy meals a day. Cheers. 1 | X

die young and save yourself [24 Jan 2005|12:41am] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | BRAND NEW I MISSED THEM ] today must have been the longest day ever recorded. i woke up to a world painted with white, and walkways which looked like no one ever even thought about shoveling them. maybe we won't have class tomorrow because of it. that would make my day. i sat around most of the day being unproductive and feeling sorry for myself. a nice way to spend a day. yeah, just keep telling yourself that. i really need to find companionship up here, i just have too much inhibition. the only way i can avoid this is by taking mind altering substances, which i hate resorting to, and i hate myself even more after i do it. i wish i could get past this stage of meeting people and being aquaintances. i just, i guess, don't know how to. i'm not confident enough or something. i would hate to make other people feel uncomfortable or take the risk of rejection. i don't know, i need to find a way out of this hole i seem to find myself in all the time. the other day my creative writing teacher pointed out how unsure of myself i am. we had to tell these stories, and after everything i explained i would say "i guess." she kept on going, "you guess?? you don't sound so sure that this happened." it was definitely obvious how uncomfortable i am with new people and how afraid i am of what they think. by saying "i guess" after everything somehow made me feel more comfortable, like if it never actually happened if someone wanted to believe it. what am i talking about?? there's someone i met and i really really wish i could get up the guts to talk to her and get to know her, rather than just be stuck at this stage of saying hi when we see eachother, just what has happened with almost every other girl i've met here. i probably wouldn't be so alone if i did this. i mean, i have long hair and a lip ring. what more could a girl want? hahhahaa. sorry, i had to. sarcasm is my muse. or something like that. HERE I GO AGAIN SO UNSURE OF MYSELF. okay, whatever. im gonna go do what i do best and lay in bed and read while i think about how much i would love to be sleeping. well, that was a pretty useless update. haha. im so fucking cliche i can't stand it 1 | X

I guess we'll be okay... [20 Jan 2005|01:17pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | brand new ] So, I guess it's time to update. Life isn't that bad, I guess. It was just the shock of moving in I guess. I've seen mostly everyone that I'm friends with here. Nothing has really changed. Just for a fair warning, this is probably going to be a boring update. The first night back I hung out wiht Kait and we decorated my room. It's so much easier to be in here now. It feels like my room more now. Hung out with Richie his first night back (ew, Scheuffer is fucking nasty), went to see Ramey and Drew and the Buckley people last night, and after discovering they were in my Psych class, had breakfast with Mah and Jaime today. Classes are okay. My psych professor is a nutcase. I walk in today and he's blasting Metallica in the lecture hall. Interesting, to say the least. Stats and Econ are going to be boring as hell, so I probably just won't go. Creative writing is going to be fucking awesome. I learned so much just in the first day of class. I'll post my first assignment, which I have to say I'm very proud of, soon. Tomorrow Rob, Steph and Sandra are coming up. I can't wait. There's probably more, but I have work to do and I don't feel like boring you anymore. My lip ring kind of hurts. I fucking love it though. People need to come see me now (aka Julia, Danielle, and/or Mike). 4 | X

[16 Jan 2005|11:44pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | taking back sunday ] college depresses me so much. i don't know why. just the smell of my fucking dorm room sent me into a fit of depression that i can't get out of. this is going to be a very long rest of my life. 5 | X

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]